How can I participate in spanking?

This is a discussion for anyone asking themselves: “how can I participate in spanking?”

Many people get into spanking through a partner, but what happens if you don’t? Maybe you’re interested in spanking but your current partner isn’t. Or maybe a previous partner got you into spanking but now you’re with someone new who isn’t. There are plenty of websites to watch spanking movies, and blogs such as this one where scenes are reviewed, but in terms of actually meeting other kinky people it can be trickier.

The problem may be that even these days kink is quite taboo. If you start talking to people at a vanilla party about spanking you might get some strange reactions. Even if you don’t there may be the feeling that you don’t want people to judge you for what is a perfectly normal thing for consenting adults to be interested in. Some people discuss their sexual preferences with close friends, but that’s not for everyone.

So, what to do? Here is my quick guide. Obviously, this is just for consenting adults so is only for people over the age of 18…


There are some great books about spanking and following your kink. “SM 101: A Realistic Introduction” by Jay Wiseman is a great starting place, he has lots of fantastic advice from his experiences. There are also spanking books such as “The Compleat Spanker” by Lady Green. It’s good to read about spanking either in books or online to make sure it’s something you want to do, and also to learn about etiquette and safety.

Start Off Online

The first step might be to chat with other kinky people online, this can be a lot less daunting than showing up to meet a group of strangers in public for the first time. If you’ve made the decision to participate (as opposed to just thinking about it) you’re half way there. There are many places such as forums across the world where you can safely chat online with people with similar fetishes.

If you’re into spanking I’d suggest to start off looking for a specific spanking-fetish forum or group. More general kink or BDSM will probably have members who are into many fetishes, which is fine if you are into lots of other stuff too. But, if you’re looking for spanking in particular a spanking group is probably your best place to go.

FetLife might be a good starting point. It’s a social network for kinky people, so it’s BDSM and lots of fetishes including spanking. Even though it’s a general kink place it’s big enough that there are lot’s of spankos on there and you can do a search for the types of things you’re interested in. You’ll certainly see lots of spankos on there and there may be some near where you live.

One mistake some people make is to enter a forum or chatroom or conversation too forcefully without understanding the atmosphere and dynamic of the room. It’s probably best to introduce yourself politely and gauge the reaction from people you talk to. Particularly to begin with you should aim to chat with adults who are into similar things so you can ask questions and learn about the person’s experiences. There will be lots of different kinds of people online discussing spanking. The rules are the same with spanking as with any online discussion… use good social media etiquette and chatroom etiquette.

Be safe! Don’t give the person too much personal information straight away. Never give out any information like credit card numbers and your address on a forum, chatroom or social network.


Local Events

So you now know some people who are into spanking and are ready to actually meet them in person… A local event such as a public munch or a properly organized spanking party or a fetish night at a local night club should be a safe and relaxed way to be able to meet lots of people without any pressure to do anything you don’t want to. You can also see exactly how other people are playing and decide for yourself whether it’s right for you.

Meeting someone one-on-one

If you decide to meet the someone from the internet always make sure it’s in a public place, and tell someone where you’re going. Do not feel pressured into anything, if someone is trying to force you to do something then it may be wise to back off. Always think about safety first! Get some ideas online, such as how to stay safe when meeting someone from the internet.

The “SM 101” book has some great methods for ensuring a meeting is safe such as asking a friend to call you at a certain time to make sure you’re ok. You might give them a certain word that is code for “I’m fine, see you later” and another word that is code for “help”. You might want to get to know the person first by meeting for the first time in a well-lit, busy, public place to chat before even considering playing.

You may even want to follow these guidelines if you’ve just met someone at a party or social gathering. Safety first!

Playing for the first time

If someone doesn’t like you taking your safety seriously they probably aren’t the right person for you to play with, if that’s what you want to do. Spanking and BDSM is about trust… one person is allowing the other to take them both somewhere amazing. Without trust and consent what should be a pleasurable experience would not be at all nice. Also, to begin with it’s a good idea to talk through what is going to happen and make sure both parties agree. If one person wants a gentle hand spanking and the other person wants to use a cane or a strap on them the two might be incompatible, or they may just have to agree with what the spankee wants.

So, assuming you’ve found the right person who wants to do the same things as you a good place to play for the first time might be at a spanking party. If you have met someone nice that you want to play with this is probably the safest way to begin playing with them. Sometimes you can play openly in the party, sometimes there are private rooms to play in. You might not want to play in public with others watching, or you might not feel safe in a private room. You should only do whatever feels comfortable.

You should use a safe word to begin with. You do not know each other’s limits yet so because you trust each other you can agree on a safe word and you know that if one of you says the safe word the play is over. Of course, you may not have to use the word at all. The point about trusting the other person is that you trust them to stop if you use the safe word and not to do anything that you haven’t agreed upon.

Spanking is a fun and sexy thing. While this guide may seem quite serious, the security and safety measures are there so that everyone can let go and really enjoy playing together. Even if you don’t want to play you might enjoy meeting other people with a shared interest, and make a new group of friends. The golden rules are don’t do anything you’re not 100% happy with, only play with people you trust and meet people from the internet safely.

I hope you liked my mini guide to participate in spanking. Please leave comments if I’ve missed anything out (which I’m sure I have). Or if this guide has been helpful. There are more interviews which sometimes go into the practicalities of spanking at Spank Place.

Above all, be safe and happy!

Stockroom: restraints, implements and sex toys

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